There are two things missing from my life right now – sleep and the ability to eat.
Most nights I am able to drift off to sleep. That said, there are sometimes when going to bed seems to bring the emotional collective together and I am supercharged and hypersensitive as though the emotion has to come out RIGHT NOW and finally after crying like a child who has lost their favourite toy, I fall asleep through exhaustion. The trouble I have is kerching – 4am, wide awake, thinking. Not necessarily about what is going on, I’ve managed to control that somewhat, but I still cannot get a full night’s sleep.
Over the last week or so, I have managed to sleep in until 5.30am ish but I’m still feeling generally sleep deprived. Work is a marvellous distraction and I am so grateful for the ability to go in to be useful and productive, not to mention the support of colleagues.
The other difficult I’m having is eating. This is a longer standing issue for me as I have previously been diagnosed with gastritis which can impact on my appetite but combined with the stress of what is happening at the moment, I’ve seen numbers on the scales that I haven’t seen since I was 15.
I visited my GP who helpfully suggested (so I thought) very high calorie milkshakes. That was until I got home and tasted them. Each milkshake has around 330 calories and I have to have three per day. They are pretty gross but better cold. I figure each one is going to help in the search for bigger boobs as the plastic surgeon has already told me there really isn’t to much to go at on my abdomen. Her departing words to me were, as she gently held my rounded tummy in her hands, “this is my play dough, give me something to sculpt with”.
So I have been sent away to eat, under no circumstances am I to eat salads and waste vital hunger on low calorie food, instead, when hunger comes, grab it by the balls and eat as much as I possibly can that is high fat, high calorie. It goes against the grain but given I am a 32F now and have been told I’m likely to end up with a 32B, I’ll give it a go…I’ve nothing to lose except for a couple of cup sizes!